The Spadefish of Levity
by whitedoyle
Summary: Randomosity. Crack one-shots. Written in free form because screw grammar. Don't expect much in terms of that thing called plot. I'm pretty much writing whatever comes to mind. Oh, and pairings. Anything goes. And I mean anything. Want to see Kaito X Fish? You got it! (But seriously, if you're into that kind of thing...I have no words)
1. Spartan Ovenware

A/N: What does the title mean? I really have no idea. And why is this categorized as Horror? Because it's so _horrifyingly_ bad. Ah. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'll excuse myself now.

* * *

**Shinichi's House**

"Shin-chan! Shin-chan!" the voice called, followed by a knock on window.

Shinichi looked up from his book. It was Kaito and he was standing on the balcony of the house for some reason.

"Kuroba?! The heck are you doing out there?" Shinichi exclaimed. He stood up, annoyed, and stomped his way to the window, opening it and letting the teen in.

"Shin-chan!" Kaito yelled, leaping onto Shinichi and knocking him over onto the ground. They ended up on top of each other. "I came to visit."

"That doesn't explain why you didn't just use the front door, you know, like a _normal_ person."

"B-but," Kaito stuttered, giving Shinichi puppies eyes, "What if someone saw me?"

"Ha? Wouldn't you be more noticeable climbing in through the fricken window?" Shinichi asked, a deadpan look on his face, "And besides, why does it even matter that someone sees you?"

"People will get the wrong idea about us," Kaito mumbled, looking away.

"Oi! Why are you blushing?!" Shinichi exclaimed.

"Because...Shin-chan's touching my-" Kaito started, looking down between their two bodies.

Shinichi followed Kaito's gaze, for the first time realizing where his hand had found itself. Shinichi blushed, quickly shoving Kaito off himself.

"Oh, and now who's the one blushing?" Kaito asked, a mischievous smile on his face. He leaded back so that he was sitting against the wall.

"B-baro! Why are you here anyways?" Shinichi remarking, diverting his eyes.

"Well, you're getting married to Ran-chan soon, right? I'm here to throw you a bachelor party!" Kaito exclaimed, jumping up in excitement.

"Bachelor party?" Shinichi asked skeptically.

"Yup! Look what I brought!" Kaito said, pulling out a bottle of sake.

"Where were you keeping that?" Shinichi asked. Kaito was wearing a plain orange T-shirt and shorts, with seemingly no place to hide the bottle.

"Do you really want to know?" Kaito asked, giving Shinichi a sly grin.

"On second thought, never mind."

"Eh? That's no fun," Kaito pouted.

Shinichi just sighed. "I have a lot of stuff to prepare for the wedding, so-"

"B-but, but, bachelor party," Kaito said, looking as if about to cry.

"Okay, okay," Shinichi conceded, sighing again. "But just until Ran gets back."

"Yosh! Leave it to me!"

"So, what did you have planned?"

"This," Kaito said, pulling out a deck of cards.

"Poker?"

"Stripe poker."

"As if!" Shinichi said, slapping the deck away and letting the cards scatter all over the floor.

"Eh?!" Kaito pouted, "Then what about this?" He pulled out a twister mat.

"Why are there pictures of naked people on the box?" Shinichi asked with a deadpan expression.

"Hehe," Kaito grinned, causing Shinichi to snatch the mat away and throw it out the window. "Are you sure you wanted to do that? People will wonder what you're doing with such a naughty game," Kaito said.

"It's your game!" Shinichi replied, falling back down on the ground. "I can't take this. Just do what you want. I'm taking a nap."

"Do what I want? Are you sure about that?" Kaito asked, instantly moving himself on top of Shinichi. Their faces were a few inches apart. Shinichi could see the dark pupils of Kaito's eyes, surround by blue irises. "Are you sure?" Kaito asked again, moving his face even closer.

"K-kuroba, wait," Shinichi stuttered, suddenly feeling hot all over.

"Eh, but you said, Shin-chan," Kaito whispered, their noses practically touching, "I'm going to do it, Shin-chan. Prepare yourself."

"W-wait," Shinichi mumbled. But even as he said those words, he could feel his eyes slowly drifting shut. However, what came next wasn't all what he was expecting.

Kaito quickly leaned in, stuck out a tongue, and licked Shinichi on the nose. Shinichi's eyes instantly shot open.

"What the heck are you doing, Kuroba?" Shinichi asked, giving Kaito an annoyed look. He used a hand to wipe the saliva off his nose.

"Hm, were you expecting something else, Shin-chan?" Kaito asked, the mischievous grin back on his face. Shinchi quickly blushed.

"B-baro," he mumbled.

"Oh, you were, weren't you? You were totally thinking of doing something naughty with me!" Kaito exclaimed, a gleeful expression on his face.

"Go screw yourself," Shinchi said, giving Kaito a harrumph and looking away.

"Ehhh?" Kaito remarked, "I didn't know Shin-chan was into that kind of stuff."

"Ha?" Shinichi asked, turning back around. Kaito was in the middle of standing up.

"But since it's Shin-chan's bachelor party, I guess I can do it," Kaito said as he began to take off his shirt.

"W-wait! Why are you undressing?" Shinichi asked in surprise.

"You just said-" Kaito began.

"It was a figure of speech!" Shinichi interrupted.

"Oh, is that so?" Kaito asked, putting his shirt back on.

"No good. I can't keep up," Shinichi groaned, plopping himself on the nearby bed.

"Shin-chan, you're like an old man," Kaito laughed.

"And you're like a little kid," Shinichi retorted.

"Maybe," Kaito shrugged, looking around the room for something fun to do. That's when he noticed the candy on the desk. "Oi, Shin-chan, you've been holding out on me," Kaito said.

"What are you talking about?" Shinichi asked, lifting his head up just in time to see Kaito popping something into his mouth. "Wait, baka! That's not candy!" Shinichi exclaimed, but it was already too late.

All of a sudden, Kaito began shrinking, becoming smaller and smaller, until he was the size of a seven year old. "Whoa! Everything suddenly got so big!" Kaito exclaimed, trying to move around in his now oversized shirt.

"That's because you got smaller," Shinichi sighed, "You just took a prototype de-aging drug that was developed from the APTX4869."

"Oh, I see," Kaito said, looking at his newly de-aged body. Then turning to Shinichi, he said, "Ne, Otousan-"

"Why are you calling me your father?!" Shinichi exclaimed.

"Ojisan?" Kaito corrected.

"Wrong!"

"Oniichan?"

Shinichi just sighed. "Sure, whatever. What do you want, Kuroba?"

"Oniichan," Kaito began again, "I need to pee."

At that, Shinichi couldn't help but chuck a nearby pillow at Kaito, hitting the boy square in the face.

"Ittai!" Kaito exclaimed, falling backwards, "What was that for?"

"Only your body shrunk! You can still go to the bathroom yourself!" Shinichi yelled.

"Oh, I see," Kaito replied, "Then does Oniichan want to take a bath together?"

"Shine!" Shinichi said, hurling another pillow at Kaito.

"Ehh? You're no fun at all, Shin-chan," Kaito said, standing up. His over-sized clothes dragged along the floor as he walked. "So how long is this supposed to last for?"

"No idea," Shinichi shrugged, "It hasn't been tested on humans yet."

"So I'm the first then," Kaito point out, "Well, at least help me find some better fitting clothes."

"Fine," Shinichi sighed, wondering how his day had ended up like this. Eventually, they found Kaito some children's clothes from when Shinichi was little.

"So, how do I look?" Kaito asked, tying a towel around his neck like a cape. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"What are you, five? Actually, now that I think about it, that body probably fits your brain much better."

"That's mean," Kaito pouted, "You're just jealous because you don't have a cape, you boring old man."

"Hai, hai," Shinichi replied, shrugging Kaito off, "Still, you're taking this whole thing rather calmly."

"Ma ne," Kaito said, "What's life without a few hiccups? By the way, when did you say Ran-chan was coming back?"

Shinichi looked at the clock on the wall. "Any minute now," he said. As if on cue, there was the sound of the front door being unlocked. "Guess she's back."

"I wonder if she'll think my cape is cool," Kaito said, adjusting the towel on his neck.

"I don't think that's the first thing she'll notice," Shinichi said with a sarcastic laugh. He got up off the bed, about to go greet Ran. Kaito followed behind. They got to the door of the room before Kaito suddenly started groaning.

"Ne, Shin-chan, I don't feel so good," he said, gripping his chest.

"What?" Shinichi asked, turning around. Just then, Kaito stumbled, falling forward. Shinichi instantly moved to catch him. "Kuroba, are you-?"

"I feel hot, Shin-chan," Kaito said as his body began to suddenly grow right in Shinichi's arms. The sound of clothes ripping could be heard as Kaito's body exceeded the size of the child attire. Before long, a fully grown, and half-naked, Kaito was lying in Shinichi's lap, fast asleep.

"You're really are just like a little kid," Shinichi remarked, patting Kaito on the head as he heard Kaito's soft breathing. Just then, the door to the bedroom opened and Ran walked in.

"Ah Ran, okaeri," Shinichi greeted, turning his head.

"S-shinichi, what kind of fetish is that?!" Ran exclaimed when she noticed Kaito. Her shout also caused Kaito to wake up.

"What?" Shinichi asked, for a moment not understanding what Ran was saying. Then a light bulb went off. "W-wait, Ran, it's not what you think!" he quickly said.

"Hmmm? And just what am I thinking?" Ran asked, crossing her arms across her chest, a bemused look on her face.

"I, that is, um," Shinchi stuttered.

"Well?" Ran pressed.

"This is just a misunderstanding! A big misunderstanding!" Shinichi exclaimed.

Still on Shinichi's lap, and having heard everything, Kaito couldn't help but let out a smirk. "Happy bachelor's party, Shin-chan," he whispered.

* * *

A/N: I don't think I pressed backspace even once. And I don't plan to! So ha! Take that grammar! Anyways, let me know what you think or...you know...don't.

Cheers! Peace!


	2. Dying Window

"Yo," Heiji greeted as Kaito and Hakuba walked over. Then, noticing that Kaito was busy playing with a stuffed parrot, he asked, "What's up with him?"

"Oh, he's going through a pirate phase," Hakuba answered with a shrug of the shoulders.

"Pirate phase?" Shinichi asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, something about watching _One Piece_ and wanting to become the pirate emperor," Hakuba explained.

"Pirate King!" Kaito corrected, giving Hakuba a pout.

"Hai, hai," Hakuba said, patting Kaito on the head. Kaito grinned happily in reply. "So, what are you guys up to?" Hakuba continued.

"We were decided whether to play soccer or baseball," Shinichi replied.

"This again?" Hakuba asked, slapping himself on the head.

"We should play pirates!" Kaito suggested.

"Pirates?" Shinichi and Heiji responded in unison, "How do you play pirates?"

"Well, you go like this," Kaito said, hopping around on one leg, "See? I lost my leg in battle and now I have to use a wooden one."

"I don't get it," Shinichi replied flatly, looking over at Heiji, "Do you?" Heiji just shook his head also.

"Guys, imagination," Kaito said, holding up a curled fist, "Tell me, what do you see this as?"

Shinichi and Heiji stared at the hand for a moment, then Shinichi replied first.

"Someone with arthritis?"

"Aho!" Heiji replied, "It's obviously Parkinson's."

"Uh, that wasn't-" Kaito tried to say, but Heiji and Shinichi ignored him.

"Look at the angle! It has to be due to joint weakening seen in arthritis!" Shinichi argued.

"Are you dumb? This is the classic appearance of Parkison's, when muscle control decreases," Heiji retorted.

"GUYS! SHUT UP!" Kaito yelled, hitting Shinichi and Heiji over the head, "It's supposed to be a claw."

"Huh? That makes no sense," Heiji said.

"In the first place, humans don't have claws," Shinichi added, "Right, Hakuba?"

"Eh? Why are you asking me?" Hakuba wondered aloud, feeling uneasy now that he'd been dragged into the argument.

"You scored highest in yesterday's biology exam right?" Shinichi asked.

"Well, yes," Hakuba said.

"That makes you the most knowledgeable sixth grader when it comes to biology," Shinichi concluded.

"I guess so," Hakuba said unenthusiastically.

"Then you'll have to settle it. Can people have claws?" Heiji asked.

"Well-" Hakuba began, suddenly realizing that three pairs of eyes were staring at him. _How am I supposed to respond seriously to such a stupid question? _he wondered, before thinking up an idea. "Say, why don't we form our own pirate crew?" Hakuba suggested, changing the topic, "They did that in One Piece, right?"

Kaito, buying into Hakuba's diversion, instantly agreed, "Yeah! We totally should! I'll be captain!"

"Why are you the captain?" Heiji protested.

"Because I know the most about pirates," Kaito replied.

"That's not true! I know plenty about pirates!" Heiji countered.

"What was the name of the previous Pirate King then?" Kaito asked.

"Ha? Pirate King? Uh-" Heiji paused, racking his brain for the answer.

"See? You don't know," Kaito said.

"That was a dumb question. Give me another one," Heiji said.

"What region was considered the weakest, prior to the Grand Line?" Kaito asked.

"G-grand line? What is that, like the equator?" Heiji asked.

"So, I'm captain, right guys?" Kaito asked, ignored Heiji as he turned around to Shinichi and Hakuba.

"Oi!" Heiji yelled, "I just don't know because you're asking about a manga! Ask something about real pirates!"

"Real pirates? Are you delusional?" Kaito asked, a completely serious expression on his face. That was probably the straw that broke Heiji's back, causing him to snap.

"Kaito! I'm going to kill you!" Heiji threatened.

"Hattori, calm down," Shinichi said, pulling Heiji back.

"Yeah, I'll make you the seaman, Heiji," Kaito offered.

"What does the seaman do?" Heiji asked, calming down slightly.

"Swabs the decks and cleans the toilets," Kaito explained.

"KAITO!" Heiji yelled.

* * *

**One Hour Later**

* * *

"Alright, let's get started," Kaito said, looking around at their ragtag group. Everyone was covered with dirt and bruises, courtesy of their previous brawl. Well, at the very least, they looked more like pirates now. "First, we'll need a name for our crew. Anyone have suggestions?"

"How about 'Blackbeard's Pirates'?" Shinichi suggested.

"Don't just go ripping off someone else," Heiji remarked.

Irked, Shinichi countered, "Then you have an idea?"

"Yeah, 'Osakan Bigs'," Heiji answered.

"Aren't you just ripping off a baseball team?" Shinichi asked flatly.

"You have something against baseball?" Heiji countered.

"I don't think that's the issue here," Shinichi said.

"Ahem," Kaito interrupted, trying to get them back on track, "How about 'Bone'?"

"I like it, very rogue," Hakuba commented. Shinichi nodded as well, then turned to Heiji.

"I guess it can work," he conceded.

"Alright then, we'll be the Bone Pirates," Kaito said, "Next, we'll need to decide upon ranks. I'm captain. So, we'll need a first mate. I nominate Hakuba."

"Eh? Why Hakuba?"

"No, it make sense," Shinichi said, "He's level-headed and can take charge if anything every happened to the captain."

"Then it's decided," Kaito finished.

"Oi!" Heiji interrupted.

"What is it?" Kaito asked.

"Nevermind," Heiji grumbled.

"Alright, next is the second mate. I nominate Shinichi," Kaito said.

"Okay," Shinichi replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"What about me?" Heiji asked.

"You're the seaman, remember?" Kaito asked.

Before Heiji could protest, Shinichi put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Just go with it, okay?"

Heiji sighed, trying to calm himself down. "So, what next?"

"Well, in One Piece, everyone has a superpower. We should come up with superpowers for ourselves," Kaito said, "I want the power of telekinesis."

"Moving objects with your mind, huh?" Hakuba asked. He then thought for a moment before speaking. "In that case, I want hydrokinesis."

"The ability to control water," Shinichi elaborated, "That make sense, especially since we'll be on water, being able to control it would come in handy. As expected of the first mate."

"What about you, Shinichi?" Kaito asked.

"Me? Hm-" Shinichi said, tapping his chin, "How about the ability to fortify things, like making the ship tougher?"

"Very pragmatic. That's exactly like something you would say," Hakuba commented.

"Ne, ne, it's my turn right?" Heiji asked, clearly having been waiting impatiently for his turn.

"Huh? The seaman doesn't need a special power," Kaito replied.

"W-what?!" Heiji said, beginning his protest. He was interrupted by the arrival of Ran, however.

"What are you guys doing?" Ran asked, noticing the four boys just sitting in the yard.

"Playing pirates," Shinichi explained.

"Pirates?" Ran asked, looking confused.

"Yup, we're the Bone Pirates," Kaito said, then pointing to himself, "I'm the captain and my special power is telekinesis."

"Te-telek-what?" Ran asked.

"Telekinesis," Shinichi replied, "It means he can make anything come to him using his mind."

"Ohhh," Ran said, then looking around, asked, "What's your superpower, Shinichi?"

"Mine? I can fortify things, make them harder and stronger."

"Eh? That doesn't sound very cool," Ran replied.

"W-what?" Shinichi said, blushing, "It's practical and that's what you need on a ship. The second mate has to make sacrifices, you know."

"Hmm," Ran said, not sounding convinced. "And you?" she asked, turning to Hakuba.

"He's the first mate and his power is hydrokinesis," Kaito answered.

"Another kinesis?" Ran asked.

"It means to control water," Hakuba explained.

"Oh, so you're like a garden hose?" Ran asked, giggling.

"Well, I guess so," Hakuba admitted, scratching his head.

Finally turning to Heiji, Ran asked, "What about you, Heiji?"

"He doesn't have a superpower," Kaito answered, cutting Heiji off.

"Eh? Why not?" Ran asked.

"Yeah, why not?" Heiji chimed in.

"He's the seaman," Kaito explained.

Before any of them could speak again, they heard the sound of voices approaching. Looking up, the group noticed it was Ran's parents.

"Ran, why'd you run off? We were looking for you," her mother, Eri, said.

"Okasan, look, they're playing pirates," Ran explained.

"Pirates?" Kogoro asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Un," Ran replied. "They're the Boners. The Captain's power is to make anything come. The first mate's power is to make things wet. The second mate's power is to make things hard. Oh and Heiji doesn't have a power but he's a seaman."

After Ran explained the game, Eri and Kogoro felt their mouths drop wide open. Without another word, they pulled Ran away saying, "We're going home, Ran."

"Eh? Why?" Ran protested as she was dragged along.

Shinichi, Kaito, Hakuba, and Heiji watched as Ran left, their cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. No one could say another word.

Needless to say, they never played pirates again.


End file.
